Confidence has always been something I have struggled with. Largely, I’ve never really had much.
As far back as I can remember I’ve had fairly low self esteem, from school, through college, university and work. I know why, you don’t need to know why, but there you go. This lack of confidence in ones self manifested in a number of ways over the years, shying away, constantly seeking reassurance and being the biggest people pleaser I know.
The thought of having a child absolutely terrified me. Not the being a mother bit, I couldn’t wait for that but the actual act of giving birth, all the checks, the scans and everything in between. For a woman who didn’t undress in front of anyone the sheer idea of being laid out, legs a kimbo with countless people down the business end was my worst nightmare.
It turns out if can’t have been that terrifying. I did it twice in less than 18 months.
As I’m sure most mums will agree, once all that is over and done with your dignity has gone down the pan and quite frankly who even cares anymore. When my dignity went down the pan again (never to return this time) my confidence seemed to soar. I’d grown another human being (again!) and pushed her out, I was on top of the world, I was wonder woman, I could do anything.
Personally, my confidence grew. These tiny people relied on me for their very existence. They need me to fight for them, not to back down and melt into the background but to be someone for them. So I am. I am that person for them, heaven help anyone who gets in my way, upsets, hurts or overlooks one of my children. I will find you and I will kill you (OK, maybe I can’t do anything, clearly I’m no Liam Neeson). I’ve done countless things since becoming a mum that I wouldn’t dream of doing otherwise.
On a professional level I think my confidence may have dipped somewhat, having so much time away from work, the classroom and a structured environment has me wondering if I could keep up anymore. However as this is not in the forefront of my everyday this doesn’t matter. At the end of the day I am responsible for the futures of two humans, nothing is as hard as that. If I can manage that I can manage anything.